Post 23: No taksies backsies

Post 23: One of the best things I did with my new-found time was put all the camcorder videos and photos that were on disc from when the kids were little onto my computer. So many amazing memories. That couple of years of completing my degree, having babies, planning a wedding were crazy, but awesome. I really loved being at home and was grateful for the opportunity to do so. I would receive my degree in 2008. I missed the cut off to attend convocation that year, so we didn’t celebrate it until 2009. Almost as soon as I had completed my degree, Terrace had asked when I was going to work. There are pivotal moments that changed our relationship. This was one of them. Here was the thing: I absolutely planned to go to work. I wanted to. I wanted to do something with this excitement and passion I had. I was going to break every god-damned society-reinforced gender rule. I was going to do things because I wanted to, not because there were expectations that I should. Oh how quickly I was humbled. Oh how defeated I felt. When asked why he felt I needed to go to work this second, his response was that it was too much pressure on him being the only one working. Oh, my. Terrace doesn’t like to admit what his beliefs and ideologies were at that time because he sees it differently today, but allow me to share how it was. Terrace went to work. That was what he felt his role was as a husband and dad. Cool. I didn’t even complain (much). You go to work and do that, and I’ll stay at home and do everything else. I thought we had an agreement. But now you want me to do all the unpaid childcare and household work AND go to work, and what is your new plan? Oh, you’re just going to continue to work because the unpaid childcare and housework is “women’s” work. (I’m not sure he was ballsy enough to use the phrase “women’s work” but something awfully similar). Oh, great. I’m glad we’re on the same page. (eyeroll) Oh, we had it good. That sparked something inside of me that I’m pretty sure he wishes he had left alone. For that moment (Ben wasn’t even 2), I was so content doing the stay-at-home mom thing. I didn’t even really ask him to do that much because I thought we had an arrangement. I honestly can’t even explain how dumbfounded I was that he really thought what he was saying was a good idea. I felt there was zero respect for what I was contributing, and in all honesty at that time he would admit he didn’t respect it. He saw staying at home like a holiday, and because things were measured in the amount of money earned, this position measured up to nothing. I resented him and felt broken. All of these ideologies and beliefs I wholeheartedly disagreed with I was living. And here’s the thing, very bluntly: If I’m completing my role and you want me to also complete your role, but you have no plans to assist me in my role, so now I’m doing it all, why do I “need” you? I would start looking for a job. And then reality set in. All the jobs I was interested in applying for, that I felt piqued my interested, I met the educational requirements; I didn’t account for the experience they would require. And since I was “just” a stay-at-home mom, I had nothing other than playschool president to pad my resume with. I would send out resumes and fill out applications for those jobs anyway. I would spend hours looking for positions with businesses or programs that worked with women in some way. I got no response. I changed my search criteria from those I really wanted to, to those entry level ones I might actually be considered for. Reality sucked. I was deflated. I think I just thought, “Go get the education and the rest will fall into place.” And that might be true if you took something career-specific, but for my Bachelor of Arts, not so much. I would only get asked to come for an interview a handful of times. I don’t think I knew just how much the whole experience put out the spark on these big dreams I had. It becomes easier to sort of lie down and just go with it than it is to fight against it. “Bad Day” Daniel Powder

May 21, 2020, 7:32 AM