Post 9: My early twenties and try to find "me"

Post 9: If there is a right way to do this whole grown-up thing, I did it backwards or sideways or some other version other than "normal." - Start dating Terrace in January 2004, find out I’m pregnant in May (remember, kids, this whole action consequence thing we’ve talked about…) - At the same time, I find out my mom and sisters are moving to China (wtf?!) - Move in with Terrace and his two roommates (one just happens to be my ex - FML) - Start a job in Edmonton. I am so sick I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. Within three weeks say, “F*ck this.” Break up, move out, and move to China with family. - Come home, have baby, go back to China with baby. - Decide to give this a go, move back to Canada and move in with Terrace. - That was a busy 14 months. When I decided to go to China with my family, I also decided I didn’t want to give up on my goal of finishing university, even though I was halfway around the world and pregnant. So I enrolled at Athabasca University and continued on with my degree from China. Pregnancy was difficult. Morning sickness is no joke… and it’s not just the morning, and it’s not just the first trimester. And China has a lot of interesting smells… ugh. Lol When I came home to have Charli, my mom was not here. I had asked an aunt to come be my support in place. I’m not sure she will ever know truly how much that meant to me. She has six kids, one of which is only about 15 months older than Charli. When I went into labour, she left her family and drove 6.5 – 7 hours in minus 40 to come be with me. Pretty incredible, huh? Now I’m sure at the time she thought she might miss it, but don’t worry, Charli ensured nobody missed anything, other than about 48 hours of sleep. Without her (and Terrace) I’m not sure I would have made the 25 hours of drug-free labour. - Charli turns 1 - We get engaged (at a Karoke bar in Beijing on New Year’s Eve), plan wedding for summer 2007 - Get pregnant with Ben spring of 2006. (Damn it.) These were hard years; short in hindsight but hard. Terrace worked away from home. If I thought I was sick with Charli, Ben had other lessons to teach me. I had just signed up for spring/summer courses to try and finish my degree earlier, not intending to be pregnant. I was planning a wedding. And other than a really good friend who lived about an hour away, I was alone. Terrace was trying to clean up his credit so we could buy a house. He was 29 after all and had lived his 20s “freely.” We were broke, in debt, and trying to figure out our roles within our relationship and parenthood. I have no doubt that all of this was difficult for Terrace. I don’t think I was always an easy person to live with - lol, and I’m probably still not. I was half “lay down and take it” and half “feisty, listen to me roar.” I wanted to be loved and protected and taken care of. I was trying to find my voice. I was trying to be the best mama I could. I was trying to figure out this new role as “wife.” And all at the same time trying to keep a part of “me” alive. When you were young – The Killers

Mar 1, 2020, 7:50 AM